26 April, 2015

My Own Contradiction

Well, hello there.

Obviously, it's been a while. I could blame my absence on a lot of things: school, work, general busyness, lack of writing topics, you name it. Many of these things are plausible reasons for me not to post anything in months. Some of them, in fact, are. I have been rather busy. I've managed two shows (one of which closed tonight), competed for a theatre scholarship, transferred workplaces, juggled schoolwork on top of rehearsals and two jobs, all while preparing to depart for Turkey (I leave in two weeks). While all of this was going on, though, there was another reason I never posted.

Anyone who knows me knows that I don't allow anyone else to define my own happiness. I spent a lot of my life trying to please everyone, and we all know that's an impossible goal. In the past year, I've found out a lot about what I can do to make myself happy, and let me tell you, once you're comfortable with yourself, life is SO much  more enjoyable! But why does this matter?

Well, dear friends. As much as I told myself I was proud of my own writing, as much as I told myself that I should continue to post on this blog, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Why? Because I didn't have enough confidence in myself.

What? Julianna lacking confidence? Newsflash: it happens a lot. And you know what? That's okay.

Here's what's up. I feel as if there's quite a lot of pressure on me. Not just a societal pressure, but a pressure to do well. Obviously those who care for me wish for me to succeed in what I do, and I am thankful for that. We all have people we hope to see succeed, and I can assure you, I am immensely grateful for all of love and support everyone has ever showed me. The encouragement keeps me going when I get discouraged, and it helps me strive to continue to do my best in everything I attempt.

This next part is really difficult for me to write, because I hate bragging on myself. But...okay. I'm a pretty good student. I'm not the best, but I'm pretty good. I'm smart. I do well. I have my life together, for the most part. I'm the top in many of my classes. I WANT to do well. I'm not saying that anyone else is less smart or less apt than I am, but I've had many tell me they appreciate my hard work and my shit-together-ness. (Yes, they've really said that.)

So why is this relevant? Okay, Julianna, get to the point.

All of this pressure, all of this drive I have to succeed, all of these expectations for me to do well...it's a huge weight on my shoulders. Is it a burden? Well, honestly, sometimes. I always feel like if I were to make a mistake, I would fail, because I do well more often than not, and fumbling isn't something I often let people see me do. I like people to see a polished product. They don't see the drafts, the edits, the mistakes...they see the final outcome.

I was so concerned with writing something worthwhile that I never felt anything was "worthy" enough to share here. I thought everything I posted had to be profound, poignant, or riveting. I thought it had to be well-constructed sentences, perfect pronouns, and flawless grammar. I wanted to post to please. I wanted to post to get a reaction, to let everyone see how great I was at writing or whatever. I thought that's what having a blog was all about.

But I was wrong.

This can be about whatever I want! I can write lists. I can write poetry. I can write a question, and just let it be. I do not have to sugar-coat anything. I do not have to blog with the purpose to please anyone. 

To those of you who have read/will read my blog: thank you, I think. Yes, thank you. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read my ramblings and rampages. I want you to know, this blog will not be perfect, for I am not perfect, and for either of these facts I will not apologize. So if you're here expecting perfect syntax, you might not always find it.

From now on, I will not post to please. So a warning to you expecting the beautiful: don't. Well, do. But also expect the ugly. Expect the vulgar. Expect nothing and everything all at once. Most importantly, though: expect the truth. That is what I want to write, the truth. At least the truth of my life. My thoughts, my ramblings, my concerns, my praises...me. I want to present you with me.

Here I am. My own contradiction. I'm not perfect, but I hope you can look past that.

It's nice to meet you.